I’ve had multiple trainings on working with students in trauma. While I may never be an expert in that field, I know that a major part of the equation is building strong relationships with our students. In all honesty, I don’t know any other way to teach. I enjoy teaching at the level that I do because students still, for the most part, want to have a relationship with their teachers. I spend hours every day with these fifty kids. We work through tough days, hard mornings, lack of sleep, lack of breakfast and more so that we can work through hard texts, difficult words, complicated comprehension and writing that takes all our energy.
I have students that are routinely absent and I spend every day they are present being excited to have them in class. I know it’s not their fault they aren’t there on the other days, I don’t need to add guilt to their too-full plate. I have students who can’t focus on anything at school and I try to muster every ounce of patience (to which I am not always successful) to help them tackle their work in smaller bites, to work through their distractions and to help them have positive experiences with learning. I try to implement the things I have learned in my trainings to help students who are in or have experienced trauma to build positive relationships that help them find solid footing and to fill their basic needs enough that we can start to build their academics, too.
But it wasn’t until today, my first day on an extended leave of absence, that I realized I am the one in trauma. From my husband’s diagnosis nine months ago, I have been operating on less than emotional stability. I have been on a rollercoaster of mental and physical anguish and I have had to carry that stress with me to the classroom, just like my students in trauma do. I have had to exert intensive energy to put on a game face and get through the day sometimes because the load of everything else made it difficult to get through the day.
Today I realized that for all the ways that I work so hard to build relationships with the kids, it’s those same relationships that are making it so very hard on my heart to be home right now. I know this is where I want to be, and I want to be here with my husband, but my lord, how I miss the kids. I worked hours yesterday to put together lesson plans, to gather materials and to get a few things organized for someone to step in for the duration and it was all I could do to walk away from my classroom last night. While I know there is no other choice, I feel as unsettled by my departure as I expect some of the kids do. Where else will I get that many hugs in one day? Where else will I be able to set aside the realities of what’s happening at home and just exhale and live in a moment of joy within those four walls? Where else will I be able to busy myself with tasks that make me feel successful and in control in ways I cannot feel fighting this diagnosis?
Today I am able to focus completely and entirely on my husband and on all that he needs right now and I am grateful beyond words for a career and an employer that allows me to do just that. But today, I am missing my kids, missing my classroom, missing my colleagues. Today I realize just how much I depend on all those people, big and small, to help me navigate through my own trauma.
Teaching at 3am 